Again, the same feeling of frustration, disappointment, inadequacy and incompetence overwhelmed me today. I am beat and I feel so small. No one has a right to incriminate a person. No person should ever do that to anyone. I strongly believe insensitivity is a peccadillo towards another. I was three feet to people who were talking about me. Why can’t you not tell it to my face? Cowardice is inappropriate in circumstances, this one especially! Are you being modest? Do you think I would break? Well fuck you for making me feel so inferior in my own country! Belittling me in my own motherland is such an insult I cannot take. I can speak for all my fellow Filipinos by saying that!
You have been the most egotistical person I have ever met. Guess what? I know a lot of things, better than the knowledge you think you have, I am just practicing humility. If you say you do not mean it, I would not consider it. You hurt my feelings, what I feel is what I feel and I am entitled to that. That is the subjectivity of emotions my friend! I will always remember this day — the day you have desecrated my being from confronting to a fellow colleague (the colleague was very nice to me though). This is the first time I feel like I don’t belong. I shouldn’t feel this way! I should never! In my own country?! Although not in my birthplace but still – my own country for Christ sake! I don’t know why I’m here but somehow I try to find purpose in all things. I am trying to see the bright side of this. Maybe He has a better purpose. I certainly hope so. I feel so down and bad in so many ways I cannot imagine. I’m far from family, as I have said I am not in my birthplace, the place where I really live, the place I called home but I’m still in Philippines for God’s sake! I hope to find an ample amount of good friends here but I got were mere competitions. People who are certainly insecure and inadequate with their lives. I found a few good ones though, people that are worth investing of relationships for. But they are few and I don’t get to see them always as I would want to build that good connection with them. May they be blest with all the goodness in life. Well as for the others, may they be blest too.
I hope I can find a light to everything here. With all the things I have been through recently, I easily get down and disappointed with myself. I usually look at the internal locus of control in every situation but sometimes it is not always you. No matter how better you treat others, no matter how large the amount of humility you show some individuals will surely be a factor. I also hope I can go home early. Maybe this emotion I am feeling is intensified with home sickness. God I miss home. My family, mother’s cooking, my brother’s jokes even my father’s snores. I wish my next few weeks will be better. Please God make it be better.